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1- Fear of Bliss 2- Bent 4 U 3- Sorry 2 Myself 4- Sister Blister 5- Offer 6- Unprodigal Daughter 7- Simple Together 8- Purgatorying 9- Hands Clean (Acoustic)

Fear of Bliss

My misery has enjoyed company
and although i have ached
I don't threaten anybody
sometimes I feel more bigness than I've shared with you
sometimes I wonder why I quell when I'm not required to

I've tried to be small I've tried to be stunted
I've tried roadblocks and all
my happy endings prevented

sometimes I feel it's all just too big to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do

fear of bliss and fear of joyitude
fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

I could be golden I could be glowing I could be freedom
but that could be boring

sometimes I feel this is too scary to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of losing you

fear of bliss and fear of joyitude
fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

this talk of liberation makes me want to go lie down
under the covers till the terror of the unknown is gone

I could be full I could be thriving I could be shining
sounds isolating

sometimes I feel this is too good to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of what my joy could do

fear of bliss and fear of joyitude
fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

Bent 4 U

you're unsure and you're not ready
so that must mean I want you
you're unavailable and disinterested
to you I look for comfort

a million times in a million ways I will try to change you
a million months and a million days I'll try to convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

you're too young or you're too old
or you'er simply not inclined
you're asleep or you're withholding
be that my cue to crave you

several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you
several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done
I have depressed for you and I've contorted for you and I'm done
I have stifled for you and compromised for you and I'm done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

it won't be long before I am reclaimed
it won't take long and I'll be on path again
it won't be easy for us to disengage
I'm at the end of self-deprivation stage

you're afraid of every woman
afraid of your inner workings
you cringe at the thought of living under
the same roof as me god and everything

a million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you
several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

Sorry 2 Myself

for hearing all my doubts so selectively
for continuing my numbing relentlessly
for helping you and myself not even considering
for beating myself up and overfunctioning

to whom do I owe the biggest apology?
no one's been crueler than I've been to me

for letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
for my self-love being so embarrassingly conditional
for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
for trying to fit a rectangle into a hole

to whom do I owe the biggest apology?
no one's been crueler than I've been to me

I'm sorry to myself
my apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself
for treating me worse than I would anybody else

for blaming myself for your unhappiness
for my impatience when I was perfect where I was
for ignoring all the signs that I was not ready
for expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be

to whom do I owe the first apology?
no one's been crueler than I've been to me

I'm sorry to myself
my apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself
for treating me worse than I would anbody else

When I wonder which crime is the biggest
Forgetting you or forgetting myself
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter
I would have naturally loved the former

for ignoring you my highest voices
for smiling when my strife was all too obvious
for being so disassociated from my body
for not letting go when that would've been the kindest thing

to whom do I owe the biggest apology?
no one's been crueler than I've been to me

I'm sorry to myself
my apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself
for treating me worse than I would anybody else

Sister Blister

You and me we're cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
Cuz you and me competetive to the bone

Such tragedy to trample on each other
With how much we've endured with the state this land is in
And you and me feel joined by only gender
We are not all for one and one for all

Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in

You and me estranged from the mother
You and me have felt impotent in our skin
You and me have taken it out on each other
You and me disloyal to the feminine

Such a pity to disavow each other
With how far we've come with how strong we've been
You and me are on this pendulum together
And you and me with scarcity still fueling

Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in

We may not have priorities same
We may not even like each other
We may not be hugely anti-men
But such a cost to dishonor a sister

You and me have made it harder for the other
We forget how hard separatism has been
you and me we can help change their minds together
You and me in alignment until the end

Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They're happy we're climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in

Offer

Who who am I to be blue
Look at my family and fortune
Look at my friends and my house

who who am I to feel dead and
Who am I to feel spent
Look at my health and my money

and where where do I go to feel good
Why do I still look outside me
When clearly I've seen it won't work

Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable
Is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire
My generosity has me disabled
by this my sense of duty to offer

Why why do I feel so ungrateful
Me who is far beyond survival
Me who's seen life as an oyster

Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable
Is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire
My generosity has me disabled
by this my sense of duty to offer

And how how dare I rest on my laurels
How dare I ignore an outstretched hand
How dare I ignore a third world country

Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable
Is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire
My generosity has me disabled
by this my sense of duty to offer

Who who am I to be blue

Unprodigal Daughter

I had disengaged to aboide being totaled
I would run away and say good riddance soon enough
I had grown disgusted by your small-minded ceiling
To imagine myself bolting had not been difficult

Soon be my life
Soon be my pace
Soon be my choice of which you'll have no part of

Unprodigal daughter and I'm heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I'd invite you but I'm busy being unoppressed

I hit the ground running although I know not what toward
I hit the ground reeling forgetting all that came before
I felt primed and ready once surrounded by the palms
I felt culture shocked but dissuaded I was not

This is my town
This is my voice
This is my taste of which you've had no part of

Unprodigal daughter and I'm heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I'd invite you but I'm busy being unoppressed

one day I'll saddle back and speak of foreign adventures
one day I'll double back and tell you about these unfettered years
one day I'll look back and feel something other than relieved
glad that I left when I did before "no dear you can't" got the best of me

I'd speak of artistry you would roll your eyes skyward
when I'd speak of spirituality you would label it absurd
When I spoke of possibility you would frown and shake your head
if I had stayed much longer I'd have surely imploded

These are my words
This is my house
These are my friends of which you've had no part of

Unprodigal daughter and I'm heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I'd invite you but I'm busy being unoppressed

Simple Together

You've been my golden best friend
And now with post-demise at hand
I can't go to you for consolation
Cuz we're off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You've been my soulmate and then some
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you i knew god's face was handsome
With you I saw fun and expansion

This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And I can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together
thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
thought we'd be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying to gether
thought we'd be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

Purgatorying

Entertain me for the tenth hour in a row again
Anesthetize me with your gossip and many random anecdotes and
Fill every hour with activity or ear candy
Drop me off at intersections in every city metropolitan
And keep me in this state
And keep me purgatorying
And sing me back to sleep
This is far more than I had bargained for

Start every week with a breakneck urgent design
And end every speed day with my briefcase representing free time
Spending my fruit as my purchases become my lifeline
Please give my love to my family I'll doubtfully be home at Christmas time
Don't disturb me in this state
please leave me purgatorying
I'll be damned if I'm to wake
This is far more than I am equipped for

I've held you up like a deity like you're the sole owner of wings
This unrequited tunnel vision and I wonder why I've not been writing
Please keep me in this state
Please keep me purgatorying
Please rock me back to sleep
This love is more than I had bargained for
I'll be damned if I'm to wake
This is far more than I'm equipped for

Hands Clean (Acoustic)

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would've happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
And ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast-forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're a kind of a protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
And ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast-forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

What part of our history is reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're sauch a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and you keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
No one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

  Purgatory, By Alexander Matar.
  Contact at : alex_of_hp@yahoo.com
  This site is in no way affiliated with Alanis Morissette, Maverick Records, Warner or Reprise.